Friday, July 21, 2006

Alternative Drugs? Yes Please

There have been many surprises in Major League Baseball this year. The Tigers are in first place, the Reds are making a run at the NL Central and the Mets are beating expectations in the East. Yet, these are not among the biggest shockers. Even more compelling are the years apparent junkies Ron Villone, Gary Matthews JR., Garrett Atkins and Chien-Ming Wang are having. These players are having good years because they either took tai style kick boxing in the off-season, spent hours in the gym, and many more hours watching tapes, OR took tai style kick boxing, spent hours in the gym and many hours watching tapes on DRUGS. There is no way that these talentless athletes could possibly be having good years, unless it was for something unnatural, right?

Ron Villone

In case you don’t know Villone, he is a left-handed reliever for the Yankees. He is the “go-to” guy, when the Yanks need a lefty to get more than one out (see Mike Myers for a more thorough explanation). A wandering mendicant, Villone has seen the cities of Seattle, San Diego, Milwaukee, Cleveland, Cincinatti, Houston, Colorado, Pittsburgh, Florida and now New York. Never one to perform “well” in the past, Villone currently has a 2.14 ERA, and is avererging about 7 strikeouts per 9 innings of work. That, coupled with his age, 36, lead me to believe that he is on something performance enhancing. Possible drug choice: Boost nutrition for the elderly, Viagra.

Chien-Ming Wang

Another Yankee pitching surprisingly well. Wang, or “Wong,” as he likes to be called, is the only Major League player with ties to Taipai Ti Wu University. And it was maybe at this school where he scored, “big.” Yet could Wang, like another Asian athlete Yao Ming, be the product of, dare I say it, eugenics. At 6’3”, is Wang clearly Taipai’s failed attempt at making a basketball star, and instead, Taipai forced Wang to make something of himself as a mediocre baseball player? Only time will tell, but for the moment, I’ll be watching Wang, if this indeed is his real name, and his sinking fastball for the rest of the year with questionable uncertainty. Possible drug of choice: Eugenically forced upbringing/Yao Ming’s failed bizzaro twin.

Darren Oliver

See Ron Villone.

Garrett Atkins, Brandon Hawpe, and that Holliday fellow

And then God said, “Give Atkins, Hawpe, and that Holliday fellow who no ones heard of some hitting ability, for they hath found faith not through playboy, loud, youthful music, or the rocky mountain refreshment which happens to sponsor the stadium they play in, but instead, in ME.” I’ve mentioned this before, but the story is too good to leave alone. The Rockies are being called a, “Christian” team, and they are not allowed to have Playboy, or even Maxim in their locker room. But then again, if I was Atkins, Hawpe or that Holliday fellow, I would probably become a believer too. All three are having career years with over .300 averages and plus-power. Drug of choice: GOD. But who will they blame when they suck next year?

Gary Matthews Jr.

Another nomad turned star, Matthews is having a career year batting .326/.371/.520. This has been rather uncharacteristic of Matthews who in the past was more of a “last possible option.” So what happened, what has gotten into Matthews this year? Why is he hitting well? In other words, what is he on? He started his career in San Diego and has since played for the Cubs, Pirates, Mets and Orioles. Yet, he has only played decently well since joining the Rangers three years ago. Hence, Matthews is benefiting from Texas—the lone star state. Or, the friendly confines of the Ballpark at Arlington. I don’t have the exact numbers, nor want to explain the “sabermetrics,” of the Rangers home field compared to that of a normal stadium, but let’s just say, it helps to play in a park that turns Shrek, or Kevin Mench and his size 8 head into a bonefide everyday player. Drug of choice: Sweet Texas Puneta. YEEHAAAA!!!!


Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

The fact that you called Ron Villone a wandering mendicant is probably the greatest thing that I have read all week. Thank you very much sir.

5:27 PM  
Blogger Sandro said...

I aim to please.

6:04 PM  
Anonymous Pete said...

Considering you enlightened me on the rockies Christianity story, I'll share this...

It only makes sense that the rockies should the a Christian team when their stadium is named after the wonderful people who run the Coors company.

1:46 PM  
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