The All-Shit Team
Yes sports fans—the midway point in baseball is not only reserved for All-Stars. For stars wouldn’t be stars if there weren’t horribly shitty players to compare them too, right? Hmm…Anyway, I was going to simply insert the Cubs starting lineup minus Derek Lee and call the article quits, but after visiting Chicago and having a swash buckling good time, I’ve decided to go ahead and write the whole thing, with or without Cubbies. The premise for making the All-Shit team is pretty self-explanatory. Naturally, if you have been the worst starting player at your position in the first half, you’ve made it. The only catch here is the word starting…I’m not going to pick on a guy who only got twenty major league at bats, batted .120, and then got sent back down to Tulsa. No, you have to be a player having a shit year and getting paid enough to force the team into playing you. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the All-Shit team.
1B: Richie Sexson
Just when you thought Bavasi made a good move in Seattle. After having a standout 2005 with 39 ding dongs, Sexson either hates the people of Seattle, has re-injured his back, or wants to give up baseball and try playing the “3” for the Supersonics. So far, Sexson is batting .218, with a whopping .418 slugging percentage. These numbers would barely be acceptable for a wizard of a shortstop, nonetheless, a lumbering goon at first base.
2B: Kazuo Matsui
Kaz has the rare honor of not only making my “Guys Who Should Have Done Steroids Team,” but also the All-Shit team. Though I guess it makes sense. The Mets got sick of Matsui’s 8-plus millon dollar/year contract, and finally offloaded him to the Rockies for a box of condoms and a couple cases of insulted Coors light. Maybe management should reconsider humidifying the balls. Even after going to Colorado, Matsui is only batting .200, with 1 home run, though I’m sure his bible studies are rolling along just fine.
3B: Vinny Castilla
Maybe Castilla corked his bat with diarrhea, I don’t know. What I do know is Castilla is clearly having one of the worst years in baseball--Period. His .232/.261/.321 line makes me want to vomit, and I don’t even care that he plays in a pitchers park. Towers should go down as one of the most overrated GM’s in the business. Though he gave away a pitcher who threw out his arm for Castilla, he should have found someone better than a 38-year-old ex-Rockies star. Better = anyone from the bat girl to Bruce Bochy’s mustache.
SS: Clint Barmes
He’s hitting .208 in Coors. That about says it all. O ya, quite a double play combo going on in Denver.
LF: Garret Anderson
Where have you gone my sweet little Rally Monkey?!?!? It seems that my instincts were correct to never trust a team propelled to World Series victory by a fucking monkey. The Angels have a losing record, and their left fielder has a lot to do with it. The Orange County outfielder has been on the decline since his 2003 season. At age 34, a .713 OPS, and with plenty of minor league depth waiting in the reigns to take his job, it would be wise of the Angels to unload the deteriorating face of the franchise. As agent Smith says to Neo: “You hear that Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability... Goodbye, Mr. Anderson...”
CF: Brian Anderson
I was praying Juan Pierre’s shitty season would continue, but he’s picked it up of late, and consequently, his cross-town rival, has easily jumped onto the first team. A former stud-prospect, Anderson is now hitting a paraplegic .192, while slugging .324. Perhaps the White Sox would be in better shape if they didn’t trade an even better prospect Chris Young for Javier Vazquez in the off season. But then again, Anderson can’t be hurting the team too bad when you have 57 wins at the All-Star break.
RF: Jeromy Burnitz
I made fun of the Pirates in my last article, but Christ, I guess I just can’t leave Burnitz alone. A wandering power hitting mendicant of sorts, Burnitz seems to close his eyes and swing as hard as he can every time he steps up to the plate. Sometimes it works out, and he hits a home run, and other times, like in 2006, he makes outs. This year, Burnitz has 56 hits, 57 strikeouts, and 12 home runs. I guess a fair percentage of his hits are for home runs, but when you don’t walk, and you only hit home runs, then that .277 OBP doesn’t take you very far. Nevertheless, I’m sure someone will trade for Burnitz by the end of the year. He’s a veteran, after all.
C: Jason Kendall
Well…I don’t really have anything positive to say about Kendall, except that he should’ve stayed with his former ball club, strapped on an eye patch and declared himself the newest addition to PNC park’s mascot battalion. For now, however, Kendall will have to keep playing poorly in Oakland. His OBP for a catcher isn’t terrible, at .339, but his .319 slugging percentage is pre-1920. Even “geniuses” like Beane make mistakes…big 11 million dollar mistakes. But not to worry A’s fans, Kurt Suzuki looks pretty fresh.
PITCHER: Chris Mabeus
I didn’t want to do this to anyone, and I know I said I would only include starters for the All-Shit team, but poor Mabeus is probably going to end the year with the funniest line in baseball. Like Freddy Sanchez before him, Chris Mabeus attended some of my college’s practices to offer his pitching advice. Perhaps my college jinxed his career. Mabeus didn’t get a fair shot at the big league level. Pitching in just 1 game, for 1 1/3 innings, Mabeus gave up four runs, on four hits and 3 walks, while striking out 2. This was his only shot to pitch and he didn’t do very well. Currently, his ERA sits at 21.60. That being said, I wish him the best of luck and hope he gets another shot at the big league level. Until then, I’m sorry to say, he will remain on the shit list.