Monday, June 19, 2006

Your Guide to the College World Series



As a recent college graduate (if last May is considered recent), and fan of college sports in general, I feel morally obligated to give a little rundown on the Division I Baseball College World Series. College baseball kicks ass for a number of reasons. One being, pitcher’s lives are always in danger, and home runs are plentiful. Giving a first round draft talent a metal bat is seemingly ludicrous, yet, this is what makes college baseball so special. Just last week, I saw a super regional match-up between South Carolina and Georgia. South Carolina hit five bombs in a row—I’ve never seen anything like it. It was incredible. College baseball is also awesome for every other reason college sports are better than pro sports: these guys aren’t playing for money and pussy, they’re only playing for pussy. Consequently, they play the game with more burning passion than any pro could ever possibly muster. Not beating out an infield single could be the difference between getting a BJ from Sally Sure Thing, or another night of wanking it to Scott Podednik’s fiancé.

The Basics

The College World Series is a double elimination tournament composed of eight teams. The 2006 competition includes: North Carolina, Rice, Miami, Clemson, Cal State Fullerton, Georgia, Oregon State, and Georgia Tech. So far, only Georgia Tech has been eliminated. North Carolina is leading after upsetting Clemson in their last game.

Now let’s go to the mailbag to answer some questions about the World Series.

Dear Naughty Baseball,

In your opinion, which team do you think gets laid the most? Will it be the World Series champion, or not?

-Darren from Connecticut

Well Darren, this is a tough two-part question. For starters, I’d say the school with the most chicks beforehand, regardless of baseball, would get the most girls in general because their status would simply be elevated as a result of their team’s success. That being said, I haven’t visited any of these schools, but have heard many rumors about them. I’ll start with the maxim that good things do come in dumb packages. Thus, among these eight teams, Rice and UNC are too academically superior to remain in the class of the remaining six. If I had to pick one over the other, it'd certainly be UNC. Rice is an engineering school after all. Next, I’d say that beautiful women generally flock to warm, nice climates. This eliminates Oregon State, and although I know the weather in South Carolina is nice, it’s no California or Florida, so that slides Clemson out. Furthermore, I refuse to let a tech school make it past this point. That leaves Miami, Cal State Fullerton, and Georgia. I went to school in California, but I just don’t see Fullerton beating out Georgia or Miami. I’ve heard legendary stories about Georgia’s party scene and beautiful women. And Miami does have an excellent marine biology program, which sets them back. Yet, I have to crown Miami the champions because their baseball program is more renowned.



Winning would provide any team with a better chance when they return to their campuses. It’s an easy line: I’m a champion. It would probably help out a no name benchwarmer more than the starters. Yet, the studs would still remain studs, regardless of a victory or not, but winning certainly wouldn’t hurt.

To Naughty Baseball:

Big fan here. Read your site all the time. Which players do you think get the most ass? Shortstops, catchers, pitchers, etc.?

-Steve from New York



Individually, I’m going to say top draft choices must pull a ton of tail because of their signing bonuses. Like I said earlier, the difference between being a pro and not, is a matter of money. Once you give a 22-year-old whose nasty at baseball two million dollars, the possibilities are endless. I imagine Andrew Miller (UNC), Daniel Bard (UNC), and Tyler Colvin (Clemson) are doing pretty well for themselves as first round draft picks this year.

As far as positions are concerned, this topic is very debatable. Making everything else equal, and based on personal observations, I’m going to place catchers last. Their job is too hard to remain pretty. The rest of the positions are too arguable to list in any order. However, pitchers are in a category of their own. They may have a lot of offerings for girls, including a slide piece, straight fastball, cutter, sinker and change, but I can’t really say if they get more ass or not because they’re just too strange and too different from position players. Look at MLB players, who are the weird ones? Barry Zito, Turk Wendell, Jason Isringhausen, Derrick Turnbow, Tim Hudson—they’re all pitchers.

Naughty Baseball,

Who will win this years college World Series?

-F. Scott from Boston.

Miami--I expect a lot of clutch play off the bench. After all, they have a lot more to lose.

3 Comments:

Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Judging from our baseball team, it would seem that the pitchers were more girlfriend types, infielders got the most play. while outfielders are mostly gay.

Not to name any names or anything.

7:19 PM  
Blogger Sandro said...

that sounds about right--being an infielder and all.

12:43 PM  
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