Yankees V. Red Sox (The Battle)
Without further ado…
1B: Jason Giambi (6’3”, 230 lbs) V. Kevin Youkilis (6’1”, 220 lbs)
Judging by the numbers it seems Youkilis would have a fighting chance of surviving this. However, given Giambi’s stance on steroids and the human growth hormone, my vote sways, strongly, in Jason’s direction. Giambi has overcome cancer—even if it was self-inflicted, does commercials for Arm and Hammer deodorant, and has a father who grew up in the mafia sand island known as Las Vegas. Yoooouk! may be the “Greek God of walks,” given a different situation, but even in this category he’s Giambi’s bitch: 45 walks compared to Kevin’s 38 in 2006.
Just look at this monster.
2B: Robinson Cano (6’0”, 190 lbs) V. Mark Loretta (6’0”, 185 lbs)
This is pretty laughable. Who would you take in a fight—a middle aged white guy from Santa Monica, California (for the East Coast guys this is like being from Greenwich, CT) who went to Northwestern, or a young kid from the Dominican Republic? I’m sure Loretta possesses that mystical power come to be known as ‘old man strength,’ yet I don’t see him surviving passed round two.
Winner by submission: Robinson Cano
SS: Derek Jeter (6’3”, 195 lbs) V. Alex Cora (6’0”, 200 lbs) and Alex Gonzalez (6’0”, 202 lbs)
I attended college in Los Angeles and was lucky enough to have met Alex Cora at a local bar when he played for the Dodgers. Unless he’s hit the weights Lattimer style the last couple of off-seasons, there’s no way he’s 200 lbs, and in fact, I didn’t even believe he played baseball until I met his giant friend, Eric Gagne. Nevertheless, given his opponent’s background and the fact that I’ve designated him a tag-team partner I would expect the full amount of hair-pulling, biting, and crotch grabbing to make this match very competitive. In the end, I’ll give the BoSox this one, but only because I can’t imagine Derek Jeter doing anything wrong. Then again, if I could get any and all the pussy in New York City, I wouldn’t want to screw up my immaculate good looks either.
Winner by strangulation: 2X ALEX (their street name)
3B: Alex Rodriguez (6’3”, 225 lbs) V. Mike Lowell (6’3”, 210 lbs)
On paper, this doesn’t look good for Lowell: Outweighed by fifteen pounds, and about $15 million a year. But Lowell has too many intangibles working for him to lose this one. For starters, he overcame testicular cancer (I know I’ve used overcoming cancer twice as a reason for someone winning a fight, but hey, they must be tough), and has most fans, and player’s backing him. This may be the one time that even Yankees fans would accept losing to a Red Sock. Assuming, of course, that the Yankees won the overall fight. Plus, you can’t lose a battle to a guy who has the word “Rod” as any part of his nickname.
Winner by face stomp: Mike Lowell
LF: Hideki Matsui (6’2”, 230 lbs) V. Manny Ramirez (6’0”, 200 lbs)
This is the face off you couldn’t afford to miss. Though I was searching online to see if Hideki had any background in martial arts, I couldn’t find any concrete evidence. However, I did find this unbelievably strange Japanese webpage about the “Legend” of Hideki Matsui. My browser did a poor job of translating and, consequently, I have no idea what’s really going on here, but a headline reads “The Ceiling Bullet of Tokyo dome,” as well as a quote from someone presumably speaking to Matsui, saying: “I wanted you to fight.” So what does it all mean? Don’t fuck with someone often referred to as Godzilla, and comes from the land that brought you Pride fighting and Mortal Combat.
CF: Coco Crisp (6’0”, 180 lbs) V. Johnny Damon (6’2”, 205 lbs)
Winner by bitch slap: Johnny Damon
RF: Gary Sheffield (6’0”, 215 lbs) V. Wily Mo Pena (6’3”, 245 lbs)
I omitted Trot Nixon from this exercise because this isn’t really fair from the start. Not only could Wily Mo take Sheffield or any other Yankee for that matter, but I think this guy could legitimately challenge anyone in the game--any game, any sport.
Winner by whatever method he chooses: Wily Mo
DH: Miguel Cairo (6’1”, 210 lbs) and Andy Phillips (6’0”, 205 lbs) and Terrence Long (6’1”, 205 lbs) and Bernie Williams (6’2”, 205 lbs) and Bernie’s classical guitar (estimated at 31 lbs) V. David Ortiz (6’4”, 230 lbs)
For this one match, something very special will take place. Big Pappi will be locked in a room with no food and only the Shrek DVD collection to watch for two weeks. He will then be released directly into the octagon to fetch his prey. Is it really possible? Could David Ortiz really eat the entire Yankee DH battalion? It’s not a question of if, but more a question of how fast. They should really trade for a real baseball player (the Yankees that is).
Winner by devouration: David Ortiz
C: Jorge Posado (6’2”, 205 lbs) V. Jason Varitek (6’2”, 230 lbs)
I guess I’ll give it to the man with the goatee.
Winner by mustache ride: Jason Varitek
King of the Ring
Pitchers will fight in a different format from the hitters. Pitchers will all get in a ring at the same time and try to throw each other out. The last man standing will win the points for his team. Note: Only the top five pitchers for each club will be used and five points awarded to the pitching winner.
Curt Schilling and Josh Beckett and Matt Clement and Mike Timlin and Jonathon Papelbon (1105 lbs) V. Randy Johnson and Mike Mussina and Chien-Ming Wang and Kyle Farnsworth and Mariano Rivera (1075 lbs)
Wow. Well, let’s just throw Mussina out of there to begin with. Beckett would probably go next after succumbing to a blister. I see Rivera being scrappy, but not making it past this point. Wang would throw a punch at Clement’s head (sorry) and not only would he be forced to leave the ring, but would be unable to pitch for the next two months to recover from the ‘trauma’. Timlin is old and tough. I see him taking care of Wang, but not before Wang takes out Papelbon as well. Finally, Timlin and Farnsworth get a hold of each other and both fall out of the ring simultaneously, leaving only two men.
Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling stare into each other’s eyes—once teammates, now enemies. Schilling throws a punch at the lanky son of a bitch, but it’s magically dodged by Johnson. Johnson comes in with a flying kick to seal the victory for the Yankees. Although it may be hard for you to believe that Johnson could beat Schilling in a fight, he has the one thing going for him that no one wants to see in an opponent—nothing to lose. Who knows how medieval crazy Johnson could get, you can’t make this man any uglier.
Winner by chicanery: Randy Johnson
Final tally: Yankees 8-Red Sox 6