Wednesday, June 07, 2006

If They Weren't Playing Baseball They'd Be...

Naughty Baseball is starting a new series of articles entitled, “if they weren’t playing baseball they’d be…” Obviously, these types of things are very debatable, but I can only imagine how certain player’s lives would be different if baseball didn't exist...then again, this website wouldn't exist either...Hmm...Anyways...

If Scott Podsednik wasn’t playing baseball he’d be…

Pumping gas in Texas. Not that there’s anything wrong with pumping gas, I’m just saying. Anyways, Podsednik is in the majors for one reason or another, but the one I find most appropriate is called “luck.” Podsednik is a throwback—he wears high socks, steals bases and does everything else small ball. He always ‘appears’ to be doing more for his team than he’s actually doing. This is all fine and good if you played in the 1930’s. Only a manger like Ozzie Guillen (and possibly Mike Scioscia) could turn such a bad player into a star and make an entire Northern city love him.

Not to mention this…



Yes, I am jealous. Podsednik is engaged to Lisa Dergan, the playboy playmate ….let’s trade her in for someone more appropriately up Scottie’s alley…someone more like this…




If Bobby Jenks wasn’t playing baseball he’d be…

Doing what he did back in grade school with Pah’, Mah’, and Sis…Wearing overalls, sipping homemade moonshine, and dipping a clip of tobacco on his front porch. While Jenks was born in California, he grew up in the panhandle of Idaho. Although wikipedia needs a citation for the following it says: “…he was a local urban legend for his throwing ability and his wild behavior. Jenks was a heavy drinker and alienated baseball scouts when he and his father rejected one for being a Jew.” Jenks still threw 100 MPH though, and was drafted in 2000 by the Angels. Additionally, it’s documented that throughout his minor league career Jenks was a boozehound, always trying to sneak alcohol on team busses (not that I blame him.) Eventually, Jenks was picked up by the White Sox on waivers, lost weight, gave up booze, saved many a game for the World Champion White Sox, got married and had kids. Nevertheless, Jenks will always hold a special image in my heart as the guy sitting on a porch calling scouts derogatory names.




If AJ Pierzynski wasn’t playing baseball he’d be...

A Human-Fire-hydrant. That’s right, when people leave the bars, drunk and unable to get to the bathroom in time, they could, instead, piss all over AJ. Plus, no charge is required, AJ is just reaching out to the community, paying back his debt to society for being such a ridiculous fucking tool. AJ has been terrorizing the world since Dec. 30th, 1976—the day of his birth. The highlight of his playing career so far was on May 20th of this year, when Michael Barrett socked his bitch-ass in the mouth for being, as usual, a cantankerous tool. Although I applauded this event, other writers seemed to be on AJ’s side. I remember a certain Moriarty of the Chicago Tribune on PTI, saying that if everyone was as comfortable in their shoes as AJ was, the world would be a better place. I vomited in my own mouth. Comfortable in his shoes? Since when was a player who cheated his team to a playoff victory last year so openly praised? The guy was a cancer in every other clubhouse he’s been in and will go down as the tail end of one of the worst trades in baseball history—being swapped for Francisco Liriano, Joe Nathan, and Boof Bonser in 2003. To make matters worse, he appeared in a WWE event this past off-season. Enjoy your playing days AJ, you can’t be a professional dick after you retire.


6 Comments:

Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

You know what this means. That there's some guy back home in the panhandle, who is carefullly monitoring Bobby Jenk's Wikipedia entry, just to make sure no one deletes the part about what an asshole he is. Nice work. Strong Return off the DL.

10:59 PM  
Blogger Sandro said...

Thank you Jeff...I strive to please thee...and there have been other rumors about Jenks' behavior that I didn't post because they are even less confirmed.

12:39 PM  
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