Friday, April 14, 2006

What the Hell Were You Thinking ?

Steroids are the talk of the town this year. You can’t turn on the television, or search the web without seeing something about them. Which made me wonder, if most of America knows that baseball players use/used steroids—what the hell were some of these guys thinking when they turned them down.

It is with this logic that I present to you the All-Guys-Who-Should-Have-Used-Steroids-Team. While many people criticize steroids for shrinking testicles, causing sexual malfunction, for any malfunction to take place you need a partner. And as we all know, chicks dig one thing, the long ball. So here’s a list of guys, who definitely needed a good friend like Barry, Gary, Jason, or even Sammy Sosa to show them the way to the promised land: A place where you can rub “magical” oil on your biceps and take “special” drops under your tongue, and your puny muscles turn into mountainous edifices, capable of spraying cum shots called baseballs all over your opponents.

1B: JT Snow

Where were you Barry???? This goes to show just how selfish Barry Bonds really is. The man has the entire balco lab working for him and he can’t even offer a nice kid like Snow some hitting advice. Any first basemen known for his defensive prowess and a career slugging percentage of .428 needs help. If Snow had roided during his age 28 season, who knows where he’d be right now—certainly not backing up Kevin Youkilis.

2B: Kazuo Matsui

When asked to describe Kaz Matsui, an anonymous baseball analyst, who also happens to be a Mets fan, had this to say: “Kaz is bad, so bad, that I don’t even know if any amount of steroids, or HGH (human growth hormone) could help him.” But nevertheless, he should try something. In 727 career at-bats he has ten home runs. He also looks like a fourteen-year-old girl out there, unable to make the “long” throw from the second base bag. “Kazuo, welcome to America….here, we cheat to win….and if you don’t want to cheat….just close your eyes and I’ll inject you with a delicious cotton candy shot…”

3B: Sean Burroughs

Burroughs had a start to a powerful career, winning a Little League World Series in back to back years. Aside from being an excellent hitter, Burroughs also pitched two no hitters in the LLWS. Was this a sign of things to come? Apparently not. Upon being drafted ninth overall, his power vanished. In four minor league seasons Burroughs hit a total of fourteen home runs. In the subsequent four major league seasons he hit eleven home runs as a regular third basemen. Not only are these power numbers much worse than Kaz Matsui, but Burroughs can’t blame foreign customs for not jumping on the roid-wagon. Drafted in 1998, he saw what was going on around baseball: Sosa, McGuire, the rest of the league. For Christ sakes, did Burroughs really think his natural little league abilities would get the job done at the major league level? The icing on the cake was when he was sent to purgatory, Tampa Bay, after 2005. There, hopefully he can make the proper “adjustments” and acquaintances (Jonny Gomes) to stick at the big league level.

SS: David Eckstein

Not only has Eckstein failed to do steroids—he probably could have done them legally. For years, Eckstein has scoured through his teammates lockers and the rest of Middle-Earth to find his “precious” ring, but has come up short. It is obvious that it would be in any doctor’s best interests to offer some sort of growth stimulant to the frail, malnourished boy. Instead, Eckstein is doing it with what “God” has given him: slippery feet, insidious hands and a burning desire to be more than Albert Pujol’s bitch in the shower. Nevertheless, Eckstein has landed himself in pretty good circumstances on a winning team. Getting him one step closer to his precious.

C: Mike Matheny

Leave it to the Giants to pick up a player at the tail end of their career who nobody else wants. Forget about his 6’3”, 220 lb frame, that’s all buffalo wings and potato skins. In 1268 career games, Matheny has 64 home runs. That’s an average of about five jobbers a year. Though Matheny may be picking up on the whole steroid thing—he hit thirteen home runs a year ago—I expect Pac-Bell to catch up with him. He’ll be lucky to get four bombs in 2006. I know he “calls” a good game, has intangibles that don’t go in the box score, and gets along with the rest of the old-age-home Giant clubhouse. But common Matheny, after twelve years in this game you don’t know about a little thing called “The Clear”? What kind of leader are you?

OF: Darin Erstad

The first pick in the 1995 draft has definitely done more for his community than he has for his baseball team. Reading his bio on made me for horrible about myself for not doing more for my community, but then again, with people like Darin Erstad around, what is there left do? The guy has done everything from donate money to refurbish baseball fields to participating in events called, “Chefsgiving.” He also was North Dakota high school player of the year in 1992, and was a punter and kicker for the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers football team. But through all these accomplishments there’s one thing Darin won’t be able to do—and that’s bench pressing more than Orlando Cabrera. Bronson Arroyo will hit more home runs this year (he has two already) than Erstad. Erstad also plays a poor center field, making up ground by trying to crash into walls and hurting himself, rather than taking the easy way out by injecting himself in the buttocks. When will they learn?

OF: Scott Podsednik

Sure, Podsednik won a World Serieis, but let’s be honest, at 6’1” and an exaggerated 190 lbs, he is one of the worst left fielders in all of baseball. Look at his 2006 numbers—through eight games he’s batting .067. Alright, I don’t know if you guessed it or not, but I hate Podsednik. He’s on this list if for anything else, for being a weak, overrated little bitch. Damn you and your little legs Podsednik.

OF: Steve Finley

It was tough to put Finley on this list because I do believe, that at some point, Finley used his head and juiced. He shows all the major signs: often injured, incongruous numbers, an insane work ethic, and rippling abs. Which brings me to the question of—why’d he stop? In 2004, Finley hit thirty-six home runs for the Diamondbacks and Dodgers going into his walk year. In 2005, he responded to his new contract with the “punchless” Angels by hitting twelve home runs, losing his starting job, and being traded in the off-season to the Giants for a man with no back. Perhaps Finley has learned his lesson—do steroids often and always and never stop no matter what the expense—but only time will tell. And for now, he’ll remain on this list.


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