Thursday, April 20, 2006

Look Alike

Everyone on the web has been looking for a nickname for Tigers “slugger” Chris Shelton, that is, until Gheorghe the blogger came up with Sloth from the Steven Spielberg classic Goonies—a near perfect (possibly even DNA) match. But for me, it doesn’t stop with Shelton. Many formidable ballplayers lack quality nicknames, or, better still, have not been compared to celebrities (of sorts) who look just like them.

Take Nick Johnson who, I hate to say this, resembles Private Pyle from Kubrick's 1987 classic war film Full Metal Jacket. Though some claim that Nick Johnson looks like the adult version of the kid from the movie, The Babe, I have to disagree. When I look into Johnson’s eyes the fear of everything that is holy strikes through my soul when I get a flashback of that bathroom scene in the barracks.

Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (Frank Robinson), addressing Private Pyle (Nick Johnson): “Are you quitting on me? Well, are you? Then quit, you slimy fucking walrus-looking piece of shit. Get the fuck off of my obstacle. Get the fuck down off of my obstacle. Now. Move it. I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world. I will motivate you, Private Pyle (Johnson), if it short-dicks every cannibal on the Congo.”

My next look alike it none other than the inflamed Oakland Athletic Milton Bradley. Everyone wonders why Milton Bradley is angry all the time, but the answer is right in front of our faces.

Note to parents: If you’re last name is Bradley, you might not want to name your son Milton, for he may be mistaken for the creator of beloved board games such as Monopoly. This is aside from the fact, that Milton Bradley is a big, black athlete, which seems to only add to the comedy of the whole situation.

Go directly to the jail Milton! Do not pass go! Do not collect $100!

While I’d be surprised if I were the first one to notice this, something has to be put on paper. Randy Johnson’s looks have been ridiculed for years—this is nothing new. What is strange, is Johnson’s inheritance, which may or may not have included Sid, the sloth from Ice Age
somewhere in his lineage.

I’m sorry Randy. If only you didn’t give up seven runs on nine hits through three and 1/3 innings on Tuesday to the Blue Jays, this resemblance would have been forgotten.

O…Gustavo Chacin, how I hate you. Incase you don’t know Gustavo Chacin, he is a starting pitcher for the Toronto Blue Jays who made his debut in 2005. He had a solid 2005, albeit extremely lucky (if you don’t believe me, hit the Baseball Prospectus link and look him up), and actually produced his own cologne earlier this year for a promotional day in Toronto. On the cologne, he says, “I really like not strong…It's good for both (men and women). It smells really good." One look at this guy, and you can see why he bugs me. As for the nickname, I have been debating over a couple because depending on what angle you get Chacin, he looks like a completely different person.

At first, Chacin appeared to me as a shoe-in for Buddy Pine, the villain from the pixar hit The

But after seeing the 2006 zombie-alien thriller Slither in recent weeks, it occurred to me that Chacin is more a Michael Rooker than a Buddy Pine. (Michael Rooker is also Svenning’s Dad in the 1995 movie Mallrats.)

And then again, upon a google image search I realized it was impossible to label Chacin anything because he could be mistaken for any tool with big glasses. Hence, I am at a loss of words for his nickname….If anyone has a suggestion please make a comment…I must get Chacin….


Blogger TJ said...

Chacin also has alot of Lex Luthor in him...

3:54 PM  
Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Great post. Wait but why did you see Ice Age.

2:36 AM  
Anonymous Sandro the Conqueror said...

Listen, Ice Age is a classic. (Sean Hallihan made me watch it once.)

12:57 PM  
Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Damn Irishmen.

5:56 PM  
Anonymous Pete said...

you forgot King of the Hill's
John Redcorn
Johnny Damon

maybe it's a bit of a stretch.

ps. way to go you blogger...

7:12 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Monopoly is a Parker Bros. product.

/Debbie Downer

6:16 PM  
Anonymous rbj said...

Chacin actually looks like James Carville.

6:50 PM  
Blogger Jen said...

Chacin = Mr. Roboto

10:29 PM  

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