Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Joe/Morgan Love/Hate

We all know Joe Morgan: Everyone’s favorite ESPN baseball analyst. He loves gritty play, a tough work ethic, free swingers and loose women. I.E., if you resemble a ballplayer from the 1920’s, Joe Morgan loves you. But as the Chinese believe, for every ying, there is a yang. And so I present to you a list of players Joe Morgan surely loves, and, surely hates.

Joe Morgan probably likes…Omar Vizquel

Joe definitely loves Omar’s ability to field with his bare hand—for that’s all he ever fucking does. Maybe Omar forgot that the thing on his left hand is a glove, and with it, you are supposed to field. But then again, for every time he doesn’t use this “glove” he seems to make it onto Sportscenter, and consequently, get laid much more than he probably should.

Joe Morgan probably dislikes…Miguel Cabrera

Cabrera turns twenty-three today and has compiled a career line of .300/.366/.524, while playing “stellar” defense at 3B, when he chooses to. This is congruent with another pretty good baseball player who started at 3B named Albert Pujols. But unlike Albert, Joe can’t bring himself to like Cabrera. Miguel has a problem with something called, “hustle.” For instance, last year that pain-in-the-neck manager Jack Mckeon tried to convince Cabrera to stop talking to his friends in the crowd, while waiting in the on deck circle. And just last week, Cabrera was spotted lightly jogging to a ball off the third base bag in foul territory, which he belatedly didn’t reach. Though Girardi didn’t have the balls to say anything to his only Major League baseball player, he probably wanted to.

Joe Morgan definitely sees himself in heaven as…Scott Podsednik

What’s there not to like? He’s fast, hustles, crashes into walls with no abandon, hit a game winning home run in the world series, and makes easy plays look hard. He can also lay down a bunt, does W.I.T. (Whatever It Takes) to move the runners over, and wears his socks high. Well let me tell you what there’s not to like—everything I just mentioned. A Morgan idol to some, and a demon to others. Podsednik is single handedly ruining the game of baseball. He can’t hit, field, throw, or even give good quotes to the media. He’s like a parasite, living off comments from people like Joe Morgan. Damn you and your small ball Podsednik!!!

Joe Morgan hates calling Red Sox games because of…Manny Ramirez

I wouldn’t be surprised if Morgan has a bottle of 1996 Cristal champagne waiting in his fridge for the day Manny retires. The reasoning is simple: Anybody who can play the game of baseball better on drugs, than he can stone sober, must be evil. For the record, I don’t have any evidence that Manny does drugs, but this picture has led me to believe that something is up.

Ramirez has many symptoms similar to Cabrera—he seems to despise moving anything except a bat. Floundering in the outfield, he often appears annoyed by any “fly balls,” that come his way. He also has what I think are dread locks, and worst of all, wears the equivalent of Phat Farm sweatpants out on the baseball field. Needless to say, Joe doesn’t like this, nor Manny’s lifetime .904 OPS. I can hear it now, “he just doesn’t steal bases, or do the little things…”

Joe Morgan will hate…Elijah Dukes in the near future

Among many things Joe’s probably not a fan of are criminal records. Arrested for battery at age 13, and then again, at age 14 and since joining the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, arrested five more times for various charges, Dukes has, what some call, “off the field issues.” Asides from his arrests, Dukes also skipped the Southern League All-Star game because he wasn’t a starter. But Dukes, like Wild Thing Vaughn before him, has outstanding tools. His upside has been well documented by scouts and statisticians, alike, and it’s only a matter of time before the fiery ball player graduates to the Major Leagues. I can only pray that Joe Morgan is there live with all the action for that day’s great event.


Blogger Passion of the Weiss said...

Nice post...hmm w.i.t. that's a clever slogan. I'm sure baseball coaches all across america will take to it like metrosexual los angeles males to a bowl of steaming lo-carb whole wheat pasta. We should inform them immediately. Domination is theirs.

2:42 AM  
Blogger Ian said...

I'm assuming you've heard of Fire Joe Morgan by now...

12:26 PM  
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