Friday, August 25, 2006

Apoligies

I'd like to apologize for the lack of blogging to my many fans. I was actually hired for a "real" job recently, and in doing so, have been trying as my rents like to say, "get my act together." Thus, NaughtyBaseball has been on hold for a couple weeks while I find a place to live, a new bitch to do my laundry, and possibly a dog to feed beer and drugs to at 3 Am when I come home from the bars and need someone/something to talk to. But not to worry, I can assure you that this new job can only take NaughtyBaseball up, up and away!!!


Thursday, August 10, 2006

Baseball Cities



There really is no such thing as a bad baseball city. I mean, if you get paid six or seven figures to play baseball, how bad could it be? This, of course, is coming from me, and as they say—life is all relative. If I were talented enough to be a MLB player I’m sure I would look at things a little differently. For instance, Delmon Young is dissatisfied with the Devil Rays for not calling him up, or, to make a football comparison Eli Manning didn’t want to play football in San Diego. So, let me rephrase—there is such a thing as a bad baseball city. Nobody wants to play for an organization with a losing tradition, or in a terribly boring city. Not to mention the fans. You might be in the middle of nowhere, but, hey, if the fans are good, you have something to play for.

The Top Ten

1. San Francisco



Some, if not all of you are probably surprised by this choice. San Francisco encompasses everything you could want in a team. They aren’t a large market franchise, yet they certainly don’t cheat their players. So you’ll be rich. Pac Bell Park is one of the nicest stadiums in baseball, and you get to chill in perfect baseball weather even in the “sour” months of April and September. Not to mention, San Francisco is a pretty ill city with good night life and wine country only an hour away.

2. San Diego



As much as the last selection is debatable, San Diego number 2? Have I been sippin’ more syrup? Well, if you’ve ever been to San Diego you know this is clearly one of the best places to live in America. Beautiful beaches, a gorgeous ballpark and “hands down” the best girls in North America. There are certainly downfalls to playing here. Petco Park is terrible if you’re a power hitting left-handed batter such as Ryan Klesko and Brian Giles. Plus, you have to have a goatee.



3. Boston



I hate saying anything nice about Boston, but despite the uncountable number of Massholes, it’s hard to argue against it as a player’s town. You’re guaranteed to play in an ancient and ferociously packed stadium every night. And when you go out in Beantown as a baseball player, it’s like Totti hitting clubs in Rome—you’re worshipped by every 18-35 year old women there is. And O those precious Pubs...delicious drinking wells of hope...

4. Los Angeles



The warm weather biased is obviously playing a role. There are so many things to hate about LA—the traffic, the smog, the celebrity thrilled fans who show up an hour and a half late to each game. Not to mention, Chavez Ravine is nothing to get excited about. But it is LA. You have great weather year round, a large payroll, and, Vegas is only three and a half hours away.

5. New York Yankees



If it wasn’t for the intense New York media, the Yankees would have been placed second on this list behind the Giants. Obviously, if you play for the Yankees you’re going to be overpaid. You’ll also have an opportunity to hit the bars until 4 AM after the game, and, like Boston, baseball players are treated like celebrities. There is no better city to be “known” in when you walk up to a bar or restaurant. And if you play well, you’ll be rewarded. This city, and its media love its big game players. But as much as New Yorkers love to love, they also love to hate. You have to have a thickhead to play here because you’ll be detested by everyone you play on the road, and if you start playing badly at home, you’ll have no one to look for, for support. In other words, if you’ve got the sack to handle the media, you’ll be in heaven, and if you don’t well…you’ll probably end up somewhere in Middle America.


6. Toronto



Toronto—what in God’s name is Toronto doing here above so many other cities? Let me tell you that Toronto is one of the greatest, and most forgotten cities in North America. They have a killer music scene, good, loyal fans, a retractable dome, solid food, and it’s exceptionally clean. You also don’t have the pressures of playing in a big city, despite Toronto’s big city feel. And, in the off-season, you can ski. For tickets please call….

7. New York Mets

The beaten down stepchild of the Bronx Bombers, the Mets have a lot going for them except for their reputation. Like the Yankees, the Mets have New York and all of its glory to play in. But, if you’re a Met, you’ll always be second tier. You play in the ugliest ballpark in baseball, and, they make you ride a school bus from the parking lot to the stadium. This would never happen at Yankee stadium. What I’m trying to say is, your situation is worse than being a Yankee, but it’s still pretty damn good.

For Mets party pictures, click here.

8. Texas Rangers

I’m not going to lie, I don’t know much about Texas. I’ve never been there and, quite frankly, from what I’ve read, the state scares me. Nevertheless, players seem to enjoy it and the Ballpark in Arlington is a great place to hit. Plus, booze, dirt bikes, and bitches sounds like fun to me.



9. Anaheim




If you ever read this site you know I don’t have much respect for the Anaheim Angels and their blasted rally monkey. But, like I said, they’re only three and a half hours from Vegas.

10. Chicago Cubs/Chicago White Sox



I wanted to put both these clubs further up the list because I have so much respect for the city of Chicago and its precious Weiner Circle. But, despite Chicago’s excellence, these two teams have many organizational problems. For starters, the Cubs are owned by the bastard Tribune company who screws their “fans” in every possible way. For instance, did you know that the Tribune company owns many scalping agencies who are given a certain amount of tickets each game? Thus, your ticket that’s listed at $25, goes up to $40, and ends up in th same place. Another reason why the Cubbies have gone down hill is, and this is coming from Cubs’ fans, most of the people who attend games now are more like tourists, rather than real hardcore fans. I’m not saying that there aren’t real Cubs fans, cause I’m sure there are plenty, but it sucks when a team becomes “trendy.”

As for the White Sox, they are selling out a few games and their fans seem to be supporting them after their World Series victory last year. But, they’re clearly still the second favorite team in Chicago. We’ll see how many of these fans stick around if the White Sox struggle in the years to come. I have a feeling Ozzie ball can only take you so far. Five years is a better indicator of an organization's success than two.

I’ll have the Bottom Ten up over the weekend.

Monday, August 07, 2006

The Good, The Bad, and The Absolutely Horrible Baseball Films Ever Made

Kevin Costner dominates this board with classics Bull Durham and Field of Dreams. But let’s not forget Henry Rowengartner hitting triple digits on the gun at Wrigley, Tom Selleck invading Japan, or Billy Heywood taking over the Twins at the tender age of 10. Yes, this list not only includes masterpieces, but movies that were pressed into production because, apparently, people love shitty baseball movies.

The Good

Bull Durham



“The other day Crash called a woman's pu... pussy... um, well, you know how the hair is kind of in a V-shape? Well, he called it the Bermuda Triangle. He said that a man could get lost in there and never be heard from again.”

That Crash Davis and his metaphors. Anyways, Bull Durham is, in my book, tied with Major League as the best baseball movie ever made. The movie is hilarious, but more than that, it works because it feels real. Its main character, Crash, doesn’t end the movie circling the bases with a game winning Major League home run. Instead, he gets the girl he wants and ends his career as a lifetime minor leaguer—something more likely to happen than Nuke’s rise to stardom. When you are done watching the movie, however, you don’t leave it feeling sad or cheated. Crash may have not achieved his goal of Major League playing time, but he does enough to feel proud of the little things he’s accomplished, including guiding Nuke to the big leagues. This movie also teaches some important maxims to live by…see quote above.

Major League



“Better teach this kid some control before he kills somebody.”

It doesn’t get much better than Wild Thing Vaughn throwing fastballs at people’s heads and banging other player’s wives. Or does it? Wesley Snipes sprinting from his bed to the field to win the 40 yard dash…Pedro Cerrano swearing off Jobu and learning how to hit a curveball…The best of all, Rene Russo getting duped by Jake Taylor, a rickety veteran with bad knees and a career in the Mexican league…what else is there to say?

Field of Dreams



Kinsella: “You’re a pacifist!”
Mann, holding a crowbar: “Shit!”

Alright, Field of Dreams is a little too hokey/Middle-America barnyard for me, but it’s still a great movie. As the tagline reads, it’s the story of Ray Kinsella who spent all his life searching for his dreams, until his dreams finally came looking for him. Another Kevin Costner role, this time with a completely different feel from Bull Durham. It’s not raw or gritty like Durham, in fact, it’s the exact opposite. A family flick about a bunch of deceased baseball stars whom Kinsella builds a field for on his farm in Iowa. Though dreams are certainly the focus of the flick, the movie has more to do with faith. Kinsella has faith that if he builds a field, and gets a number of people to attend than his dream will come true. He doesn’t know what that dream is, until he sees his deceased father, who he gets to play catch with for the first time. Personally, my dream also came true in this movie. James Earl Jones walks into the corn field/outfield, never to be seen again.

The Bad

Rookie of the Year



Common, how often do you get to hear a doctor mutter, “Funky buttloving?” At the time of this movies inception, 1993, I was ten and thought this was the greatest thing ever made since automatic card shufflers. Since then, I have obtained somewhat of an education and can formerly declare this movie Thomas Ian Nicholas' best role. We all said the same thing during American Pie, “Isn’t that the kid from Rookie of the Year? What has he been doing all these years?” Well, let me take this time to tell you—he was starring in A Kid in King Author’s Court and a number of “Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman,” episodes. Anyways, Rookie of the Year is a movie about a ten year old who breaks his arm and, due to the way his arm heals, ends up pitching for the Cubs, which may not be that far off base. Another plus—Gary Busey as Chet “Rocket” Steadman.

Mr. Baseball



“We’re not athletes. We’re baseball players.”

No Tom Selleck, you are neither an athlete nor a baseball player, nor an actor. In fact, I would question the fact that you are human. Ladies man Tom Selleck stars as an American imperialist baseball player, Jack Elliot, who gets traded from MLB to the Japanese league. Though this movie has some interesting ideas—mainly an American player adapting to a very different culture, it fails in large part due to its core cast. I.E. Tom Selleck who seems to have forgotten he was in fact supposed to “act” while playing this role, instead of trying to mack every piece of fine Japanese ass that walked by. That being said, I can hardly blame him.

Major League 2, Major League 3?


Just imagine the first movie, except much worse….and then imagine the second movie, except much worse…

Little Big League



“If I owned the Twins, I wouldn't even show up here. I'd just hire a bunch of scientists to do my homework. I mean, if you're rich you don't have to be smart. That's the whole beauty of this country.”
-Joey

Joey, you are wiser than your years. A young man, Luke Edwards, is given control of his grandfather’s baseball team, the Minnesota Twins. He ends up appointing himself manager and leads the Twins to a pennant. News flash—if you can’t get it done with Mauer, Morneau, Santana and Liriano, try Edwards, the kids got a knack for winning.

Angels in the Outfield



I haven’t seen this movie in years, so it’s hard for me to judge it at this point. But I imagine it’s something along the lines of the real 2002 Anaheim Angels who surely were guided by mysterious spirits to World Series victory. Let’s be honest, Orange County doesn’t deserve to win anything. Period.

And the Absolutely Horrible

Ed



“I am going to spank that monkey!”

I am embarrassed to say that I’ve seen this movie. If this didn’t ruin director Bill Couturie career, nothing will. Let me summarize it for you, Matt LeBlanc playing a minor league baseball player + monkey (this is really a movie, I’m not making it up) who plays baseball = embarrassment to cinema/embarrassment to America as a whole/embarrassment to humanity as we know it.

For Love of the Game



I’m sorry Costner, I never wanted to put you in the same arena as Matt LeBlanc and a monkey, but, well…A souring relationship with his woman, and a dyeing baseball career can only be remedied by one thing—a completely unrealistic perfect game in New York helped out by about sixteen amazing defensive plays. I will give this movie credit for one thing, I like the sequence where “Paint it Black” is playing while Costner is pitching…other than that, hmm…

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Your AL MVP



They never like giving the award to a pitcher. They say it’s because the pitcher has their own award, the Cy Young, and that the MVP is reserved for players who play everyday. Well, screw this! That’s like saying a rookie can’t win the MVP award because they also have their own award. So far this year, the American League MVP crosses both those boundaries—being both a rookie and a pitcher. That’s right, you may have guessed it from my clues and/or that giant picture—Francisco Liriano is my MVP candidate.

Like I said, the real people who vote don’t like giving it to pitchers. The last time a pitcher won was Dennis Eckersley back in 1992. I was all for giving the award to Pedro Martinez in 1999 when he had a 23-4 record, a 2.07 ERA and 313 strikeouts. These are amazing numbers period, despite the fact that Pedro did it during the “juiced” era. Instead, Pudge Rodriguez got the award. Yet, odds are Liriano has no shot in hell of winning, given whose voting. I mean, the guy barely made the All-Star game after posting a 1.84 ERA at the break.

By my definition, the other candidates are David Ortiz, Manny Ramirez, Derek Jeter, Vernon Wells, Jim Thome, Joe Mauer, and…though he won’t be considered because he plays for a “losing” team, Travis Hafner. First of all, I think a DH should have an opportunity to win the MVP. That being said, they need to put up Bonds-on-steroids numbers to win. This immediately discounts Thome, Ortiz, and Hafner. Not to say these guys aren’t having monster years, but, if you can’t contribute at all on defense it sets you back. Plus, like I said, Hafner won’t even be in this discussion because the Indians aren’t playing very well, despite the fact he’s been the best hitter in baseball. Offensively, Manny is having another great year at .312/.430/.616. But his defense is so piss poor in left that I almost want to count him as a DH. His numbers are also a grade lower than Mauer’s, Jeter’s and Wells’. So let’s get rid of Manny.

Derek Jeter is having one of his best years as a Yankee, and hasn’t taken the award home in his career. He also never lacks in media attention. Jeter is doing a lot of good for his team batting .346, albeit, he’s only hitting singles, having one of the worst power hitting years of his career. That, coupled with his overrated defense at short and the lineup around him—A-Rod, Giambi, Damon, Posado--make Derek seem like less value to his franchise than some others.

A very strong case could be made for Joe Mauer and Vernon Wells this year. Both play premium defensive positions where usually even a little bit of offense is helpful. Wells is hitting .322/.385/.624, is playing nasty in centerfield and the Blue Jays are 55-44. Mauer is batting .380 with a little bit of power and playing adequately behind the plate. The Twins sit at 57-41.

So how could I possibly justify giving the award to a 22-year-old pitcher who didn’t even start the year in the rotation over one of these guys? Since becoming a starter on May 19th, the Twins are 40-17. He is averaging 10.51 strikeouts/9 innings pitched—better than any pitcher in baseball. He also has a 1.93 ERA, a .97 WHIP, and rarely gives up a home run. But what it really comes down to is that pitchers these days are just more valuable than hitters. When Estaban Loaiza can get $7,000,000 from the Billy Beane, you know something is up. When Franciso Liriano has been more valuble than 2004 Cy Young teammate Johan Santana in 37 less innings pitched, you also know you have something special. There are plenty of great hitters—and I’ve mentioned all the candidates—but there are only a couple special pitchers. Francisco Liriano won’t win the award this year, but he should.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Alternative Drugs? Yes Please



There have been many surprises in Major League Baseball this year. The Tigers are in first place, the Reds are making a run at the NL Central and the Mets are beating expectations in the East. Yet, these are not among the biggest shockers. Even more compelling are the years apparent junkies Ron Villone, Gary Matthews JR., Garrett Atkins and Chien-Ming Wang are having. These players are having good years because they either took tai style kick boxing in the off-season, spent hours in the gym, and many more hours watching tapes, OR took tai style kick boxing, spent hours in the gym and many hours watching tapes on DRUGS. There is no way that these talentless athletes could possibly be having good years, unless it was for something unnatural, right?

Ron Villone



In case you don’t know Villone, he is a left-handed reliever for the Yankees. He is the “go-to” guy, when the Yanks need a lefty to get more than one out (see Mike Myers for a more thorough explanation). A wandering mendicant, Villone has seen the cities of Seattle, San Diego, Milwaukee, Cleveland, Cincinatti, Houston, Colorado, Pittsburgh, Florida and now New York. Never one to perform “well” in the past, Villone currently has a 2.14 ERA, and is avererging about 7 strikeouts per 9 innings of work. That, coupled with his age, 36, lead me to believe that he is on something performance enhancing. Possible drug choice: Boost nutrition for the elderly, Viagra.

Chien-Ming Wang



Another Yankee pitching surprisingly well. Wang, or “Wong,” as he likes to be called, is the only Major League player with ties to Taipai Ti Wu University. And it was maybe at this school where he scored, “big.” Yet could Wang, like another Asian athlete Yao Ming, be the product of, dare I say it, eugenics. At 6’3”, is Wang clearly Taipai’s failed attempt at making a basketball star, and instead, Taipai forced Wang to make something of himself as a mediocre baseball player? Only time will tell, but for the moment, I’ll be watching Wang, if this indeed is his real name, and his sinking fastball for the rest of the year with questionable uncertainty. Possible drug of choice: Eugenically forced upbringing/Yao Ming’s failed bizzaro twin.

Darren Oliver



See Ron Villone.


Garrett Atkins, Brandon Hawpe, and that Holliday fellow



And then God said, “Give Atkins, Hawpe, and that Holliday fellow who no ones heard of some hitting ability, for they hath found faith not through playboy, loud, youthful music, or the rocky mountain refreshment which happens to sponsor the stadium they play in, but instead, in ME.” I’ve mentioned this before, but the story is too good to leave alone. The Rockies are being called a, “Christian” team, and they are not allowed to have Playboy, or even Maxim in their locker room. But then again, if I was Atkins, Hawpe or that Holliday fellow, I would probably become a believer too. All three are having career years with over .300 averages and plus-power. Drug of choice: GOD. But who will they blame when they suck next year?

Gary Matthews Jr.



Another nomad turned star, Matthews is having a career year batting .326/.371/.520. This has been rather uncharacteristic of Matthews who in the past was more of a “last possible option.” So what happened, what has gotten into Matthews this year? Why is he hitting well? In other words, what is he on? He started his career in San Diego and has since played for the Cubs, Pirates, Mets and Orioles. Yet, he has only played decently well since joining the Rangers three years ago. Hence, Matthews is benefiting from Texas—the lone star state. Or, the friendly confines of the Ballpark at Arlington. I don’t have the exact numbers, nor want to explain the “sabermetrics,” of the Rangers home field compared to that of a normal stadium, but let’s just say, it helps to play in a park that turns Shrek, or Kevin Mench and his size 8 head into a bonefide everyday player. Drug of choice: Sweet Texas Puneta. YEEHAAAA!!!!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

The Greatest Job on Earth



It’s a question many people ponder. If I could have done it differently, what would I have done? What would I have majored in at college? What would I have worked harder at to put me in a better position now? Some say being an actuary is solid because you make lots of money and it’s largely merit based. Others say real estate appraising is nice. Who doesn’t like spending half their day checking out elaborate properties? Financial planner, restaurant manager, aspiring porn star, college professor—these are all great professions, but they’re not even close to the greatest one of all…Bullpen specialist.

That’s right, the greatest job on earth currently belongs to Mike Myers and to some extent Chad Bradford. These guys live very comfortably off a “special skill.” Myers is a left-handed sidearm whiz. He often times comes into the game to face one batter, and regardless of how he fares, he leaves the game after facing that batter. In the last two ballgames, Myers only needed to make one pitch. Let’s check this out: Between the time it takes for Myers to warm up, jog to the mound, pitch, then jog to the dugout is all of about fifteen minutes and then his day is done.

But before Myers, there were other skilled professional athletes who barely worked for their money. Men like retiree Steve Reed, who to me, embodies the American dream. OK, that’s taking it a bit far, but his playing career was still pretty fucking cool.



Steven Vincent Reed is a 6’2”, 209 lb un-athletic, sidearm legend. He played college ball at Lewis-Clark State College where I am sure he gained his drinking and baseball prowess. His scouting report from STATS INC. reads: “Reed can help a contending team, but in a seventh/eighth-inning role. He has not shown an ability to close out games at the big league level. However, he isn't afraid of coming into a mid-inning jam and will throw strikes. He's a luxury on a non-contender because of the limited role.” STATS inc. also explains how Reed’s unique sidearm/submarine delivery often times puzzled right-handers, but that lefties have a career .288 average against him. So what does all this mean?

It means Steve Reed was a major league baseball player, without being a Major League Baseball Player. He was a luxury item, who got paid $900,000/year to pitch in select instances, to a couple batters (maximum) at a time. In 2004, he pitched a total of 66 innings in 65 appearances. Let me do the math for you: in a 162 game season Steve Reed can expect to pitch in about 1/3 of the games for one inning. That is like two games/two innings a week, or, in other words, plenty of free time. He was also never in the game when it really counted—he is not good enough to be. Although one could argue that Steve has a very respectable career ERA of 3.67, and 6.5 SO/9 IP, who are we kidding? He is not nearly as good as these numbers suggest because he is so bad against left-handers that he can’t be left in the game if someone even as unrespectable as Aaron Guile comes to the plate. So there go the pressures of playing. And the working out question is laughable. Although I can’t say it is a fact, I am willing to bet that Steve did a lot more 12-ounce elbow extensions, than 35 lb curling.



But the luxuries do not stop there for Reed, or Mike Myers. Games, excluding weekends, are usually played at night, which means you can easily sleep till at least noon, and if you had one too many after the game the night before why not just sleep till one, two, or even three—I mean if you play the numbers, you are probably not going to play that day anyways. And trust me, if you’re Reed or Myers you can go to the supermarket or anywhere else for that matter and not worry about anyone taking photos.

Mike Myers has made 303 total pitches so far this year, and we’ll say barring injury, that he should end up with about 600 pitches total. Randy Johnson, on the other hand, has 1972 pitches. We’ll double that, and say he’ll end up with 3944. This year, Myers makes $1,150,000, while Johnson makes $15,661,427. Per pitch, Myers makes about $1,916 and Johnson makes about $3,970. Sure, Johnson makes twice as much money for his work, but also has the pressures of being in the spotlight of the New York City media, pitching against hitters regardless if they’re right or left-handed, and can’t be seen in a public place without being harassed about his performance the night before. I’ll take Myers job over Johnson’s, over a financial planner’s, and even over an actuary’s. After all, you can’t beat these perks.

Thursday, July 13, 2006

The All-Shit Team



Yes sports fans—the midway point in baseball is not only reserved for All-Stars. For stars wouldn’t be stars if there weren’t horribly shitty players to compare them too, right? Hmm…Anyway, I was going to simply insert the Cubs starting lineup minus Derek Lee and call the article quits, but after visiting Chicago and having a swash buckling good time, I’ve decided to go ahead and write the whole thing, with or without Cubbies. The premise for making the All-Shit team is pretty self-explanatory. Naturally, if you have been the worst starting player at your position in the first half, you’ve made it. The only catch here is the word starting…I’m not going to pick on a guy who only got twenty major league at bats, batted .120, and then got sent back down to Tulsa. No, you have to be a player having a shit year and getting paid enough to force the team into playing you. Ladies and gentlemen, may I present the All-Shit team.

1B: Richie Sexson

Just when you thought Bavasi made a good move in Seattle. After having a standout 2005 with 39 ding dongs, Sexson either hates the people of Seattle, has re-injured his back, or wants to give up baseball and try playing the “3” for the Supersonics. So far, Sexson is batting .218, with a whopping .418 slugging percentage. These numbers would barely be acceptable for a wizard of a shortstop, nonetheless, a lumbering goon at first base.

2B: Kazuo Matsui


Kaz has the rare honor of not only making my “Guys Who Should Have Done Steroids Team,” but also the All-Shit team. Though I guess it makes sense. The Mets got sick of Matsui’s 8-plus millon dollar/year contract, and finally offloaded him to the Rockies for a box of condoms and a couple cases of insulted Coors light. Maybe management should reconsider humidifying the balls. Even after going to Colorado, Matsui is only batting .200, with 1 home run, though I’m sure his bible studies are rolling along just fine.

3B: Vinny Castilla

Maybe Castilla corked his bat with diarrhea, I don’t know. What I do know is Castilla is clearly having one of the worst years in baseball--Period. His .232/.261/.321 line makes me want to vomit, and I don’t even care that he plays in a pitchers park. Towers should go down as one of the most overrated GM’s in the business. Though he gave away a pitcher who threw out his arm for Castilla, he should have found someone better than a 38-year-old ex-Rockies star. Better = anyone from the bat girl to Bruce Bochy’s mustache.

SS: Clint Barmes

He’s hitting .208 in Coors. That about says it all. O ya, quite a double play combo going on in Denver.

LF: Garret Anderson



Where have you gone my sweet little Rally Monkey?!?!? It seems that my instincts were correct to never trust a team propelled to World Series victory by a fucking monkey. The Angels have a losing record, and their left fielder has a lot to do with it. The Orange County outfielder has been on the decline since his 2003 season. At age 34, a .713 OPS, and with plenty of minor league depth waiting in the reigns to take his job, it would be wise of the Angels to unload the deteriorating face of the franchise. As agent Smith says to Neo: “You hear that Mr. Anderson? That is the sound of inevitability... Goodbye, Mr. Anderson...”

CF: Brian Anderson

I was praying Juan Pierre’s shitty season would continue, but he’s picked it up of late, and consequently, his cross-town rival, has easily jumped onto the first team. A former stud-prospect, Anderson is now hitting a paraplegic .192, while slugging .324. Perhaps the White Sox would be in better shape if they didn’t trade an even better prospect Chris Young for Javier Vazquez in the off season. But then again, Anderson can’t be hurting the team too bad when you have 57 wins at the All-Star break.

RF: Jeromy Burnitz

I made fun of the Pirates in my last article, but Christ, I guess I just can’t leave Burnitz alone. A wandering power hitting mendicant of sorts, Burnitz seems to close his eyes and swing as hard as he can every time he steps up to the plate. Sometimes it works out, and he hits a home run, and other times, like in 2006, he makes outs. This year, Burnitz has 56 hits, 57 strikeouts, and 12 home runs. I guess a fair percentage of his hits are for home runs, but when you don’t walk, and you only hit home runs, then that .277 OBP doesn’t take you very far. Nevertheless, I’m sure someone will trade for Burnitz by the end of the year. He’s a veteran, after all.

C: Jason Kendall



Well…I don’t really have anything positive to say about Kendall, except that he should’ve stayed with his former ball club, strapped on an eye patch and declared himself the newest addition to PNC park’s mascot battalion. For now, however, Kendall will have to keep playing poorly in Oakland. His OBP for a catcher isn’t terrible, at .339, but his .319 slugging percentage is pre-1920. Even “geniuses” like Beane make mistakes…big 11 million dollar mistakes. But not to worry A’s fans, Kurt Suzuki looks pretty fresh.

PITCHER: Chris Mabeus

I didn’t want to do this to anyone, and I know I said I would only include starters for the All-Shit team, but poor Mabeus is probably going to end the year with the funniest line in baseball. Like Freddy Sanchez before him, Chris Mabeus attended some of my college’s practices to offer his pitching advice. Perhaps my college jinxed his career. Mabeus didn’t get a fair shot at the big league level. Pitching in just 1 game, for 1 1/3 innings, Mabeus gave up four runs, on four hits and 3 walks, while striking out 2. This was his only shot to pitch and he didn’t do very well. Currently, his ERA sits at 21.60. That being said, I wish him the best of luck and hope he gets another shot at the big league level. Until then, I’m sorry to say, he will remain on the shit list.